a lesson on distractions

Recently I've been pondering going on a retreat for a week up in Northern England. I have emailed the center I am interested in attending and am awaiting reply as to their openings. As I told my friend about this activity he said to me: "So you are going on a retreat from your retreat." This struck me in a way that all I could do was feel a sense of self loathing and guilt and I began to cry.

I have been in London for the past two months and have come here to work through some personal matters, namely to get away from home and build perspective. Since that time I have found myself in all manner of self destructive and distraction oriented behavior. All of this has been quite a learning experience for me, as I have come to witness the very darkest parts of myself on the day to day. Sitting with this, being amidst such depths has been entirely unhinging and dangerous, because those are places one can wallow in. That sadness I've felt has led to so much dissatisfaction and a hollow I cant quite describe, other than to say I have been simply suicidal of late. I don't find this to be a cry for help or a joke, but rather a matter of fact feeling in facing these dark places.

I think about what it means to really be in those places for a time, and to still have the strength to not off yourself. Morbid as it may sound, I've grown tired of the concept that I am entirely weak for not being able to override my survival switch. This in and of itself must be evidence for some kind of purpose I am to prove in life.

As I sit on the couch and talk with another friend relaying the above statement that brought me to tears, she tells me with great anger in her voice, "You aren't going on a retreat from a retreat! Anyone who's ever been to a retreat would never say that. A retreat isn't easy, its not about going away from something, its about going inward, and it is never easy. It takes a lot of effort to face oneself like that, its rather uncomfortable and not many people can do that."

Her words are comforting in a way, because I know that even though I haven't done everything I set out to do on this journey, that I am not retreating in the escaping sense entirely, because I am choosing to feel and face a lot of whats going on. I may not be able to do that quickly or in an intense way, but I am doing it in a way that honors survival.

We can only hold so much, whether it be from others or from ourselves. Every moment in life brings about the option of weighing us down. To lighten our load we must sift through the mass we've collected and discard what we do not need. Distractions serve their purpose but they are two fold in that we never quite rid ourselves of weight. It serves to prolong the work that it takes to grow lighter. It helps us to avoid the pains of healing which is always to be uncomfortable.

We may need a distraction to feel like we can keep going, but our choice in the quality and quantity of that distraction is something that needs distinction. Choosing productive positive and healthy distractions such as spending time with friends, reading, playing music, physical activity, so on and so forth, can contribute to the kind of momentum we need to view the darker places with perspective and come into the light. To unburden some of the heaviness while still finding movement forward.

Pema Chodron writes in The Places That Scare You: "Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”

I think this plainly put is a good reminder that negativity builds, and if we can take a look at ourselves and transmute our distractions into productive ones, we will be less weighed down with the burden to carry the darkness within us.

The hollow inside myself will never be filled with things, or activities for which I dont find true value or merit. If I take a moment to make a better decision one that may not fulfill me via instant gratification or the ever familiar and comfortable self harm route, and actually choose with an intent of healing the heart, the hollowness, the heaviness, will lessen.

I invite you to look at those dark places, but to do so gently. We are always our harshest critic, and the burden of being able to make your life can be a heavy weight in and of itself. Instead ask yourself how you can productively get through the darkness, how you can distract yourself in ways that benefit your cause towards healing. It can feel counter intuitive to be gentle with yourself when all you've known is a voice that berates. But remember that compassion is the key to the cage of your pain.Only you can free yourself.

Blessings of loving kindness
Namaste
K